My Pet Nellie

Once I had an elephant with toenails painted red

I could reach and touch the ceiling without getting out of bed.

Her basket, see, was underneath like Felix our pet cat;

But Nellie didn’t chase the mice and took up all the mat.

She liked to play with birdies while walking in the park:

She made a noise like an oompah band when singing like a lark.

She tried to climb the nearest tree but failed with quite a thud;

They had to call a heavy crane to get her out the mud.

We went to Spain on holiday - it’s not all fun and games.

Our passports had no Nellie. They had all the other names.

"Her photograph was just too big," explained my blushing dad.

"To fit on one small paper - I hope you’re not too mad!"

"Of course not," said the customs man. "I’ll turn the other way,

"If you can fit her on the plane there’s nothing more I’ll say."

We pushed and pushed her up the stairs and strapped her in a seat.

(the people three rows forward were quite comfy on her feet)

It all went well at takeoff and Nellie hardly spoke.

She loved the little peanuts - she fired some at a bloke.

"Now, now you naughty Nellie!" my mum made such a fuss.

"Say sorry to the gentleman or they’ll throw us off this bus"

"This ain’t a bus!" the passengers cried, poor Nellie turned quite pale;

She likes bikes, cars, trains and buses and she even likes to sail,

But flying is a different thing - her face was white with fear.

She tried climbing out the window and spilt the steward’s beer

"I’ll deal with this," the steward said and pulled her quaking tail.

He whispered in her great big ear and Nellie ceased to wail.

"What did you say," we all enquired, "To calm this frightened pet?"

"I told her not to fear, because we’re on a Jumbo Jet!"

David Williams 7/10/98