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Jokes 8

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Golfing Story 1 

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. 
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young 
man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." 
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall." 

Umbrella Teller 

After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the Doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear." 
"Exactly," replied the doctor. 

The Microsoft Café 
If restaurants functioned like Microsoft:
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Gates and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the bill. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the bill.]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your bill.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[Waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
--------
The Bill:
Soup of the Day                                 £ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day    £ 2.50
Access to support                              £10.00

Blonde Joke 1

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.
A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" 
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Certainly!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352." 
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, 
"O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

Blonde Story 2

A group of blondes went into a bar and started buying rounds of drinks, patting each other on the back and shouting "Just 3 weeks!"
The barman was intrigued by this repeated cry and obvious celebration and asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"We've just finished doing a jigsaw puzzle after just 3 weeks!" exclaimed the first blonde with excitement.
"And it said 3 to 4 years on the box," said the second.


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