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Jokes 05

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From Dilbert:

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

 3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

 4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

 5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first  time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

 6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

 7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought  to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

 8. My reality check bounced.

 9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

 10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

 11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

 12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and  taste good with ketchup.

 13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

 14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat  you with experience.

 15. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

 16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be  promoted.

 17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the  month  than you did before.

 18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

 19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a  clipboard.

 20. Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will  happen to you for the rest of the day.

 21. When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never  talking about themselves.

 22. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn  fool about it.

 23. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when  the  boss asks for a ride home from the office.

 24. Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.

 25. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail  hour.

 26. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

 27. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is  supposed to be doing.

 28. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the  mail.

 29. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really  good, you will get out of it.

 30. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by  your  desk.

 31. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

 32. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

 33. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the  number of pens that person is carrying.

 34. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

 35. Following the rules will not get the job done.

 36. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

 37. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by  reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

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