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Jokes 03

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Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven - Thanks to the Griffins again!

The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. Peter says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

Peter goes on, "Yes I know, Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions. First: What days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over.
The first thing the next morning, Peter returns to the gate to find Forrest already there
waiting for him. Peter smiles warmly and says, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one - how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one: How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder" says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January the second, February the second, March the second....."

"Hold it," Peter interrupts. "I see where you're going with this, and I guess you're right. It wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest replied, "Andy."

"OK, OK," said a frustrated gatekeeper, "I can understand how you came up
with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song! 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...'"

More Jokes in the style of Tommy Cooper (Thanks to Bev Griffin 26/06/00)

Did you hear about my mates Basil and Rosemary? 
They didn’t pay their rent so the Council sent the bay leaves round.

I was working in the zoo and this customer said,
“You're an expert. What's green got four legs and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?”
I said “I don’t know”
He said, “A snooker table.”

Two parrots sat on a perch.... one said to the other "Can you smell fish?"

I walked into a bar with a lump of tarmac under my arm.
I said to the barman "I'll have a pint of lager, and one for the road?!"

I walked into a butcher’s and said "Have you got a chicken?"
 "Yes" said the butcher, “ Lots of ‘em!
"Good, I'll have half a dozen eggs then."

I walked into an Indian restaurant and asked for a Chicken Tarka
The waiter said, ”Chicken Tarka! What’s that?”
I said ”It’s like Chicken Tikka but a little otter!”

I overheard two mice in my airing cupboard and one said to the other “Can we play soldiers?”
”’Cos I’m sitting on a tank.”

Noah’s wife said to Noah “We want to play cards”
Noah said, “Go on then. I’m not stopping you”
Mrs Noah said “You’re sitting on the deck!”

My mate works in Kew Gardens.
He said to me, “Do you know what you get hanging out of banana trees?”
I said “No.”
He said, “Sore arms!”

I was stranded on an iceberg in the middle of the Atlantic with my mate.
My mate had a telescope and he kept scanning the horizon for help.
Suddenly he says "Things are looking up, we’re going to be rescued. I can see a ship."
So I said, "Can you see what it’s called?”
He said, ”Yes, the Titanic.”

I was talking to an archaeologist.
I said “You're an expert. Do you know what I found in Ancient Greece?"
He said “No.”
I  said, “Ancient chips.”

The doctor told me that my brother had overdosed on curry.
I said “Will he live?”
the doctor said, “We’re not sure, he’s still in a korma.”

My daughter said to me “What's ET short for?”
I said, “Because he's only got little legs!”

I had a job on Blackpool Beach in charge of the donkeys.
Someone said to me “What do the donkeys have for lunch?”
I said, “Half an hour, the same as everybody else.”

I walked into a greengrocers and the shopkeeper said to me,
“What’s the difference between Brussels sprouts and bogeys?”
I said, “I don't know!”
And he said “We can’t get kids to eat Brussels sprouts"

I used to be a traffic policeman on the M25. 
We found a tortoise in the overtaking lane. 
I radioed in to the sergeant and he said, “What is it doing there?”
I said, “About quarter of a mile an hour.”

I took a puppy back to the pet shop.
The manager said to me, “Do you know what’s the difference between you and that puppy?
I said “No.”
She said, “When that puppy gets older it’ll stop whining.”

Jokes for the Christmas Crackers

David Beckham walked into a bar. The barman said "The usual David?" "No" he replied "Just half coz I'll be off in a minute."

Where does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs from? Jason's donner-van.

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