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selection of Tommy Cooper gags which must be read in his style:
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat pig."
Police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
Cos it's strange, isn't it.
You stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaaaagghhhh" and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library."
I thought "That's a turn-up for the books.
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said "Do you earn a living doing that?"
He said "Yes, this my livelihood."
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream".
"He said Hundreds & thousands?"
I said "We'll start with one."
He said "Knickerbocker glory?"
I said "I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes."
I went to Millets and said "I want to buy a tent." He said "To camp?"
I said (butchly) "Sorry, I want to buy a tent."
I said "I also want to buy a caravan."
He said "Camper?"
I said (camply) "Make your mind up."
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought "This is unusual".
And the dentist said to me "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
"Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."
So I went up to a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house."
So he gave me a rope and said "I'm not stopping you."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said "You've been promoted."
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again."
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director."
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?"
And I said "I careered off the road.
Why did the chicken... - Another one for the kids
A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says:
"book, bok, bok, boook".
The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head.
Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it.
The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it".
Adam and Eve - One for the kids to drive you crazy
Adam and Eve and Sayitagain went down to the river to bathe
Adam and Eve were drowned who was there left to save?
Adam and Eve...
Share and share alike
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter
evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating
there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.
This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "the teeth".
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The radio
conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95 and went as follows:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
It was reported in an American newspaper that a man, when he booked into a hotel in Miami, wanted to email his wife to tell her he had arrived safely. Unfortunately he had lost her email address but thought he could remember it.
He sent the email but he had made a small error in the address and it went instead to the widow of a preacher. The man had died just the previous day.
When the old lady turned on her computer she fainted with shock when she read the email.
I have been checked in safely.
Arrangements are all in place for you to join me tomorrow.
I have to say it's very hot down here.
Your loving husband"
Friend or foe - a Tommy Cooper joke
It was a dark and misty night and Ponsonby the new recruit was left to guard the camp...
Guard: Who goes there! Friend or foe?
Voice in the darkness: Foe!
Guard: How big are you?
Voice in the darkness: Six foot seven and I've got a machine gun.
Guard: Pass Foe.
Sadly, the recently bereaved Yorkshireman went to see the stone mason
about his wife's gravestone. The boss was out but the young apprentice thought that this
was the big chance he needed to make his mark and told the widower that he could deal
with his request.
"Was there any particular wording you wanted on the stone?" the young man asked.
"As a matter of fact there is. She was always a devout church going woman and I think she'd like the words 'Lord, she was Thine' on the stone"
"No problem," said the young man and he ushered the sad customer out of the shop so he could get on with the work before the boss returned.
Later in the day the young man stood back to admire the stone and smiled at his handy work.
He phoned up the customer and asked him to come and have a look before he
arranged for the stone to be erected.
The widower turned up half an hour later and congratulated the youngster on his swift work. Then the elderly man stopped and his jaw dropped. "You silly bu**er he said, you've written 'Lord, she was thin.' You've missed the 'e'"
The youngster was very apologetic and asked the man to visit the church yard the next morning where he would be able to see the completed stone with all mistakes rectified, and hopefully before the boss saw it!
The next day the old man went to the church yard and collapsed in front of the gravestone which read, "Ee Lord, she was thin"
Trough of despair
A young language student was desperately trying to learn English as he had moved to England to be near his true love. The poor fellow was struggling with pronunciation.
He was beside himself with panic when he was going through the pronunciations of "ough" words.
"Cough pronounced coff,"
"Dough pronounced doe,"
"Thought pronounced thort,"
"Plough pronounced plau,"
"Thorough pronounced thuhruh,"
"Rough pronounced ruff,"
"Through pronounced threw"
When his girlfriend came home that evening she found a note next to his vocabulary book which simply said:
I have going home to France.
You live in a crazy countries.
Love you forever,
Attached was a clipping from the advert for a West End musical which said,
"Les Miserables - Pronounced Success!"
A drunk was walking home through the graveyard as usual for a Friday night - but he didn't realise that a new grave had been dug and fell into the deep hole. Try as he might the hole was too deep and he couldn't get out. Realising that there was nothing to do until morning and being fairly anaesthetised he dropped off to sleep. After about quarter of an hour a nervous young man came through the graveyard more looking over his shoulder than looking ahead and jumping at every spooky noise and creak.
Unfortunately the young man fell into the same grave and started to try frantically to get out, to no avail. The fuss and commotion woke the drunk who said in his deep, whiskey sodden voice, "You'll never get out of here!"
But he did.
Ups and Downs
An unfortunate man on his first parachute jump was heading towards the earth at quite a speed and pulling like mad on his rip cord to no effect. To his amazement he saw a slightly scorched man approaching him from below - heading in the opposite direction.
"Oi, mate!" shouts the parachutist, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"
"Not a thing!" was the reply, " Do you know anything about gas cookers?"
A man walked into the Doctors with a Strawberry on his head.
"I'll have to give you some cream for that," said the doctor.
Every night Joe would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The 'roach grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after Joe finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin, and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Joe didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the tar out of Joe and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do", he pleaded. "Not much, I'm afraid", the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
Mystic or what?
What is two times two?
Double the answer.
Double the answer again.
Double the answer again.
Double the answer again.
Think of a vegetable. Click here
That takes the biscuit
The other day I went up to London. When I got there I had time to spare before my appointment which was close to the railway station so I bought the paper to read and then went into one of the station coffee bars and bought myself a coffee and a small packet of biscuits. You know the sort, four plain biscuits in a cellophane wrapper.
I went over to the table put my things down, settled into my seat and took a sip of my coffee. A dapper business man asked if he could sit at the table too and I said yes. He sat down and we said no more. After a very short time I was astonished when he opened the cellophane on my biscuits and took one out and ate it. I glared at him and took the next biscuit out and ate it. He returned my look and took the third biscuit. I was beside myself. I took the fourth biscuit from the pack, ate it and offered him the empty wrapper with a look of sarcasm on my face.
He quickly drank his coffee, stood up and walked off.
I then decided that I would look at my newspaper to try and take my mind off what had just happened. As I picked the newspaper up I uncovered my own pack of biscuits.
Do you know the TV show Family Fortunes?
These are some of the answers given to the survey questions. (26/10/98)
Q: Name something you do slowly
A: Cook a pork pie
Q: Name something you have with coffee
A: The Sunday Sport
Q: Name something red
A: My cardigan
Q: Name something you do before going to bed
Q: Name something you put on walls
Q: Name something that would scare Dracula
A: Bob Monkhouse
Q: Name something associated with pigs
A: The police
Q: Name something you open other than doors
A: Your bowels
Q: Name something you take to the beach
Real quotes from sporting people
"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator"
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball"
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
'We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival'
(Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss, before the game in Munich)
'I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the premiership, but
there are none better'.
'He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their
'I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for
'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.'
(Ian Wright - commenting on his teammate's alcoholism)
'Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists.'
'Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500
'Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of.'
Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
Chris Eubank: ' On what ? '
'To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.'
'Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'
'What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?'
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona'
(Mark Draper - Aston Villa)
Benny phoned home while on holiday to see how everyone was. "The cat died"
said his brother Joe.
"Joe!" Screamed Benny, "That's no way to break bad news. You should let me know gently. Today you should have said something like, 'The cat's on the roof,' then tomorrow you should say, 'The cat is slipping.' and then on the third day when you break the bad news I'm prepared. Do you understand?"
Benny phones the next day.
"How is everyone?"
"Ma's on the roof."
In the middle of the Pavilions shopping Centre in Uxbridge a washing powder
demonstration was taking place.
The pretty woman in the whiter than white blouse had two tubs of water in front of her and a huge pack of Dazilmo - the new detergent.
"This is the fastest acting detergent in the world," she said. "You just add it to a tub of hot water and have a tub of cold clean water to act as your rinse. Now watch me."
She took a dirty tea cloth and as she dipped it into the first tub of soapy suds she started her little ditty.
"Into the hot, into the cold, up to the light shiny and bright, under the nose smells like a rose."
Sure enough there wasn't a mark on the tea towel and it smelt like flowers.
"This is your chance to challenge me," she said. "Give me anything you have with you and I'll run it through and see what you think."
One woman took off her headscarf and handed it to the demonstrator.
"Into the hot, into the cold, up to the light, shiny and bright, under the nose smells like a rose."
The woman was delighted with her headscarf and showed it to everyone around her.
Another woman gave her a baby's bib with blackcurrant stains.
"Into the hot, into the cold, up to the light shiny and bright, under the nose smells like a rose"
"I've never seen anything like it," said the young mum.
"Here," said another lady, "My old man's working on the drains for the new shopping centre across the road. You can have the jeans I was going to throw away after he accidentally broke into the main sewer."
"Certainly," said the demonstrator with a big smile. She took the jeans using wooden tongs and went through the same ritual.
"Into the hot, into the cold, up to the light, shiny and bright, under the nose... Into the hot..."
(A joke for the kids)
If you put orange in the freezer you get iced orange.
If you put milk in the freezer you get iced milk.
Q: What do you get if you put ink in the freezer?
Say the answer out loud and click here
On a transatlantic flight the pilot kept telling the passengers what was happening
Bing bong. "This is your captain speaking. If you look out of the port windows you will see we are flying over Galway bay,"
Bing bong. "This is your captain speaking. We are now travelling at 550 knots at a height of 35,000 feet,"
Bing bong. "This is your captain speaking. We are having a minor problem with the engines and we may be a little late landing.
There is no need to worry."
Bing bong. "This is your captain speaking. If you look out of the starboard windows you will see that all the starboard engines are blazing merrily."
Bing bong. "This is your captain speaking. If you look out of the port windows you will see that all the port engines are blazing merrily."
Bing bong. "This is your captain speaking. If you look out of any of the windows you will see the big blue ocean below.
If you look very carefully you will see a little yellow life raft floating on the big blue ocean. In the little yellow life raft on the big blue ocean is the captain and crew. This is a recorded message"
Read the instructions
A man was waiting in the casualty department of Hillingdon Hospital with very scalded
"What's happened to you?" asked the triage nurse.
"I was just following the instructions on the soup can - it said 'pierce the lid and stand in boiling water'"
At the Vet's
A lady took her dog, Rover, to the vet and mentioned that the dog had very bad wind
problems. The vet looked at the dog who appeared healthy enough and asked her what the dog
"Only the best dog food," the woman said and she named a top brand.
"Hmm," said the vet, "Perhaps a cheaper brand wouldn't be so rich. Try him on cheap dog food for a week and come back."
A week went by and the woman returned.
"How's Rover?" asked the vet.
"He's fine," said the woman, "His trouble has completely cleared up."
"You look a little worried though."
"Yes," she replied, "I can't work out how I can get my husband to eat cheap dog food."
A man walked into the doctor's with a rasher of bacon on his head and a sausage hanging out of his ear.
The Doctor told him he wasn't eating properly.
Keeping up with the...
My mate Ted went out and bought himself a second hand Rolls Royce to show off in the
One of the regular drinkers there, Gerry, would hear none of it. He was totally unimpressed with the extras the big car had and said, "My Reliant Robin's got a car phone."
Ted was stumped and left the pub feeling a bit down. He went round to the car phone shop and bought a car phone for his Roller and when it was fitted phoned up Gerry on the Robin's car phone. After a couple of rings Gerry answered the phone. "It's me, Ted. I've got a car phone in the Roller"
"Sorry," said Gerry, just before he hung up, "I can't speak to you now I'm on the other line."
Keeping up with the...II
Ted was flabbergasted, all his efforts to impress were being upstaged by a bloke with a
Reliant. Then he realised. He would get a bed fitted in the Rolls Royce. Gerry would never
Ted spent his whole month's wages on getting a bed made to fit in the back. When it was ready he drove to the pub and parked next to the Gerry's Robin.
Ted jumped out the car in great delight at getting one up on his mate. He knocked on the window of the three wheeler - which was very steamed up. "Come and look!" he shouted, "I've had a bed fitted in me Roller!"
There was a squeaky noise as Gerry rubbed the condensation off the window and peering through the small clear patch and said, "You've got a nerve getting me out of the bloomin' jacuzzi just to tell me that!"
Two drunks were standing on Wembley Station after the cup final...
"Great game wasn't it?"
"Yep, you going home?"
"Yep. Where are we?"
"I thought it was Thursday"
"So am I. Let's find a pub."
A man with one leg went into the barbers and asked for a shave. He sat back in the
chair and began to relax as the barber lathered up his face with warm foam. He was
slightly taken aback when the barber started with the razor and knicked him under the
nose. The barber continued with the shave and knicked him under the ear. The barber
continued to knick him in various places and decided to make conversation.
"Have you ever been here before?"
"No," said the man, "I lost my leg during the war!"
At St Feria's Church the Parish Priest, Father Mutton was very deaf and so waiting outside the confessional could be quite embarrassing as he would ask people to repeat their sins ever more loudly. Through common decency the parishioners agreed among themselves to sit on the opposite side of the church while they waited to go into confession so as not to overhear one another. One day, though, they were amused to hear Father Mutton in an extra loud voice exclaim from the confessional, "That's not a sin! I do that!"
Baby 1 to Baby 2: "Are you a boy or a girl?"
Baby 2 looks under the blankets: "I'm a boy,"
Baby 1: "How could you tell by looking under the blanket?"
Baby 2: "To see what colour bootees I'm wearing."
Fangs a Lot
Baby Snake: "Mummy, are we the sort of snake that poisons things or are we the
sort of snake that strangles things?
Mummy Snake: "We strangle things dear."
Baby Snake:"Thank goodness for that!"
Mummy Snake: "Why, dear?"
Baby Snake: "I've just bitten my tongue!"
A man walked into the Orange Peel Pub, next door to the hospital, pushing a drip. He
was wearing his dressing gown and pyjamas and ordered a pint of beer.
"I'm from the hospital," he said, drinking the beer down in one gulp.
"I shouldn't even be in here with what I've got."
"What's that?" asked the landlord.
"12 pence" said the man.
Mr Jones went to pick up his son Jimmy from Brunel University at the end of term. He
had not been to his son's lodgings before and got there a lot sooner than he thought he
There was no reply when he rang Jimmy's bell, but he knew he shared the house with others. He stepped away from the door into the middle of the street and shouted to someone in an upper window.
"Does Jimmy Jones live here?"
"Yes mate. Just leave him on the doorstep."
Cleanliness is next to...
"You could eat off the floor in my house"
"Yes, I know what you mean, you could scrape together a pretty good meal off mine most of the time."
Seen in the Canal Club, Waterloo Road Uxbridge
"Boat: n a hole in the water surrounded with wood, into which one pours money."
Iced ink (I stink) geddit? - then you can say, "Poo, I wondered what the smell was."
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